Wow, it has been almost two months since I released my book
and I have gone through a cyclone of emotions. My family and I were having
dinner at some friends’ home one Saturday night back in March and I was asked “What
is your book about?” I was a little standoffish in my response. I wasn’t
intentionally trying to be rude (so sorry if you are reading this and realize I
am talking about you), but as strange as it may sound I am a little embarrassed
to talk about my book; mainly because of the content. I’m not ashamed of Jesus Christ or the work He’s done in my life, but it is humbling to tell
people what a mess your life was at one time without the Lord. I wish I had the
testimony of Tim Tebow to talk about, but unfortunately I didn’t make the good
decisions he did growing up.
Since the release of my book I’ve had a good phone conversation
with the assistant principal that called me into his office my senior year and in
front of my parents told me I would have to leave Carroll High School. I also
had lunch and a good hug with the head football coach that kicked me off the
football team (he paid for lunch). I’ve had to relive a lot, but both
encounters were such a blessing. I could write a book on why I wrote this book.
And I could probably fill a book with all the addendums I would like to make to
this book after publishing it. (I can visualize one of my editors shaking his
head in a yes motion right now.) Which is really ironic because the first time
I tried to write my book I only wrote 20 pages and wondered how I could write
anymore or anything else. Now I feel like I can’t write enough. There is so
much more detail to some things I talked about that I wish I had added. So much
more explanation that some statements I make deserve. And I could probably
write another book answering all the questions I have received about some of
the things I've said in this book. I guess that is why a lot of people end up
making changes in their 2nd, 3rd, etc. editions (Which I
plan to write). I’m not sure if I will ever fully be able to say all that I
want to say, but I’ll keep on trying. It has taken me years to get to the point
to share the stories that I was willing to share and included in this book. For
the most part, I actually completed this book about two years ago, but I just
wasn't ready to put it all out there. I had a lot of fears holding me back. One
of my fears related to how some of the things I say in this book could affect
my kids. Another one of my fears was how this might affect my current and
future employment situations. (Both legitimate fears.) However, I’ve had this
burning inside of me, which has grown over the years and is especially more
intense when I am in church or in the car meditating on the Lord. The burning
was the feeling that I had to share my story because there are people that are
probably like I was silently struggling with their pain not knowing how to deal
with it or even if there is hope for them. I got to the point were it doesn't
really matter anymore what people think of me as long as I can help the ones
that really need help. Since releasing the book few people have told me that
they didn't know all of that was going on in my life. Even some of my friends
didn’t realize all that I was struggling with. I would say only a close inner
circle knew how bad I was, but even they didn’t know some of the deep dark
secrets I struggled with. (Praise God that He freed me from all of that and
that I do not have to live in that deep dark pit any longer.) The first time
someone said to me that they didn’t know all that I was going through I thought
to myself "Really, it wasn’t obvious to everyone that I was a train
wreck?!" I guess in some ways perception is reality; whether my own or
someone else's.
Another one of my other fears was that people would began to talk about
all my sins that I didn't share in the book and bring up more dirt on my, but
it has been quite the opposite. People have been really supportive (thus far),
which has been a pleasant surprise. (Except for when my sister called and
reminded me of a story I excluded.) The comment about not knowing all that was
going on in my life does make me think, how much is going on in the lives of
people all around us that we don't know about. How many people are hurting or
struggling with painful challenges and we are clueless about them. They could
be our friends, coworkers, or even family members. I guess we all put on a
front at times and hide what's really going on in our lives. I know that when I
was in high school my insecurity caused me to put up a front. Many times I’m
sure that front came across as arrogance. Along with that I was pretty much living
a double life. I learned to show up on Sundays and look like I was doing the
right thing, but then acted completely different in other situations. Sometimes
it was even more complex that. Many times I sincerely wanted to do the right
thing and tried to, but then when I placed myself around the wrong type of
people or put myself in the wrong situation I wasn't strong enough to resist
temptation. I'm not trying to blame anyone else. I still made my own decisions.
Sometimes it was just that I gave in to my own lustful and selfish desires. There
were two particular vices I had that began to control my life and as much as I
wanted to quit them at times I didn’t have the strength to. (That was part of
the problem, I was trying in my own strength to quit and not in God’s.) As sins
began to mount, guilt set in, depression took over and the cycle continued
(sin, guilt, depression – sin, guilt, depression – sin, guilt, depression).
All this to say that we, I’m including myself here, need to all
be better about checking on people around us. We need to let people know that
we sincerely care about them. We need to sometimes ask the tough questions. In
some cases, and when appropriate, we need to be more transparent with our own
lives. If we were all a lot more open and honest with each other about what is going on in our lives we would probably be a lot nicer and more encouraging to one another. Facebook is a good example of how we all put on a front. Most people
post pictures of themselves on exotic vacations, at fancy restaurants,
attending premier sporting events or some other type of experience which causes
us all to envy their life. I’m guilty of this myself, but those pictures are
not reality. Most people aren’t going to post pictures of their terrible day at
work, their last argument with their spouse or child, or a miserable
disappointing experience. Recently, some of my psychologist friends have told
me there is a new phenomenon entering the counseling field. It is depression
associated with Facebook. People look at all the fun stuff their friends are
doing and wish they themselves had a better life or that everyone around them
is experiencing a better life than they are. The truth is we all have ups and
downs. Life is not always easy for any of us and we all need help from others
at different times in our lives. Before the day is up call someone that is on
your heart just to check on them and see how they are doing. Your sincere
concern and encouragement could make a key difference in their life.
